Lay off me I'm starving

My fridge

Thu, 11 Aug 2011 19:45:00 -0400

I really need to clean out my fridge

there’s so much going on in there, it’s a science experiment

e.g. apple sauce spoils from the inside out

as in, giant bullseye of something weird in the middle growing larger

In need of some serious empty compliments

Sun, 07 Aug 2011 15:31:00 -0400

I am really fussy today, and it seems that even a cheesy Lifetime movie can’t pull me out of my funk. I am missing a family event and tomorrow is going to be super hectic.

I am usually good with amusing myself, so I don’t need someone around constantly, but today I really could use a hug (!! I hate hugs) or something. Just don’t tell anyone.

No thank you

Tue, 02 Aug 2011 10:04:02 -0400

I was sitting on the metro this morning when a woman decided it was time to file her nails beside me. I am not good at the side-eye and I’m incredibly passive, so I just sat there stewing. I thought of where her fingers had been and how, right now, I was breathing in her fingernail dust and there was nothing I could do about it save get up and move.

I’ve seen nail-cutting, nail polishing, hair brushing, make-up applying, hairspray spraying, dry toothbrush brushing, etc. Do. Not. Want.

My horoscope seems a little...promising, eh?

Sun, 31 Jul 2011 09:59:32 -0400

“You reduce your expectations and resign yourself to accept what comes. It’s not because you’re pessimistic. It’s because you love the feeling of being pleasantly surprised by life.”

I think it’s more like this:

“You reduce your expectations based on past experience. It is not because you’re pessimistic, but because you are pragmatic. It is also because you love the feeling of being right.”

FRIDAY! (DON'T SLASH MY BUTT)

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 15:48:44 -0400

I’m so happy it is Friday. I don’t even care if I might need an oxygen tank and a gallon of water to make it to the metro in this weather or that my social calendar is about as interesting as that of a 90 year old, minus the BINGO, it is Friday.

Also today: excellent coverage of the butt slasher of Fairfax Mall in VA by the DC news stations. Not surprisingly, he’s actually referred to in the media as the butt slasher. But then again, why wouldn’t he? What else would you call him? The tushy terrorist? You can’t call him Ass Slasher or joke about how he’s after a piece of ass or whatnot. It ain’t right.

Anyway, I don’t know how many conversations I’ve had about this guy that’s terrorizing the asses of unsuspecting shoppers in Forever 21s and Marshall’s all over Fairfax. It takes me back to the halcyon days of the astronaut diaper lady (she’s out of the Navy now, apparently). Really, what more could you ask for on a Friday?

Heartbeats

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 12:39:00 -0400

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine sense
To know what to say
Mind is a razorblade

To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough for me, no

One night of magic rush
The start - a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief
Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough for me, no
To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough for me, oh

And you, you knew the hand of a devil
And you kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats in one night

To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough for me, no
To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough for me, oh

- The Knife

(Can’t get this out of my head! The other version is good, too.)

My fav song ever = tonic for a bad week

Wed, 27 Jul 2011 15:31:43 -0400

When you were young
You were the king of carrot flowers
And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees
In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy’s shoulder
And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor
As we would lay and learn what each other’s bodies were for

And this is the room
One afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above you how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go

And your mom would drink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die
Each one a little more than he could dare to try

Top 3 annoying comments from my doctor

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 19:52:21 -0400

About my tattoo being on my back: “It won’t show up in your wedding dress.”

About needing a shot for whooping cough: “It will last 10 years, so when you have children…”

About whether I was single: “You need someone to put a ring on it.”

My top 3 responses, if I was not a nice person:

“Lady please, what makes you think I would wear a dress that didn’t show off my tramp stamp?”

“Wait, do you have a shot that lets me give whooping cough to children?”

“And not use a coaster on my coffee table?”

This sums up my life perfectly. :)

Fri, 22 Jul 2011 12:14:15 -0400

This sums up my life perfectly. :)

"Fever In bedtime covers Go unknown This fright It grows And misses Sinks and floats A calm day will..."

Thu, 21 Jul 2011 15:13:00 -0400

“Fever In bedtime covers
Go unknown This fright
It grows And misses
Sinks and floats
A calm day will come”

- The Joy Formidable

Boy do I hate being a girl sometimes...

Thu, 21 Jul 2011 13:01:00 -0400

Let’s forget all of the things ladies have to deal with on the health side, it’s the emotions I can’t stand. And I’m not specifically categorizing emotion A as being entirely feminine or emotion B as being entirely masculine, that’s not only simplifying but generalizing a vast range of…(cringes) feelings. But there are times I have to stop myself and say, “Stop being such a girl.”

I mean really. At least save those icky feelings for when they are appropriate. (When are they appropriate by the way?)

I am just feeling cranky today! Sometimes I’d like some validation that I’m handling my life in some kind of reasonable way, and I’m just not getting that. Not with any facet of my life right now and it’s a total bummer.

I think I’m just worried because I have to go to the doctors (plural) for random uncomfortable things on Monday, I’m stressed, and I’m dieting so I’m hungry.

And let’s not even talk about the men-folk, that ain’t an issue right now.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts. I need to remind myself that I can’t feel (______ or _______) unless I allow it and right now I’m basing my existence around chilling and not worrying!! Oh, and being cool. :) Well, a little cool.

Reason # 1,236 I am an awful person

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 18:49:18 -0400

I laughed at a dead baby joke, and I don’t feel good about it.

"You said I must eat so many lemons ‘cause I am so bitter."

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 14:29:00 -0400

“You said I must eat so many lemons
‘cause I am so bitter.”

- Kate Nash

Nancy Grace, I salute you

Tue, 19 Jul 2011 20:54:00 -0400

I’ve been watching Nancy Grace lately. Why? Her voice lulls me into a trance-like state, and she’s particularly hot right now. “Tot mom, Tot mom, Tot mom” she chants…her words are pointed, abrupt, and hostile. God bless her.

Right now she’s talking about the kid in Florida who killed his parents this past weekend:

“He threw a big party at his house, only TWO people didn’t show up. They couldn’t come, they were locked in the bedroom, DEAD!!!!!!!!”

Thank God for the rewind feature…I played that one a few times. DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!

The old man and the phone

Mon, 18 Jul 2011 12:48:09 -0400

I really like old people, and I even like cranky old people if the crank seems well-deserved. But this morning I was in the waiting room of a doctor’s office waiting for my blood-letting when the man next to me shouts to his home health nurse “Get me my phone!”

First, I don’t know where “please” went, but whatever, I don’t have a problem with that.

He proceeds to get her to dial a number (on speakerphone, of course), and then begins to shout into the phone. The six or seven of us in the tiny waiting room heard all about how he has an infection, how he is waiting for various tests, and that he is actually in the waiting room right this very minute.

But what was even better?

He decides to describe in detail his catheter and urine bag. Now, a catheter in itself is terrifying - and I have a lot of sympathy for the pain and suffering, but talking about it on the speakerphone is even worse. Especially as he had it on while he was talking about his catheter and pee pee bag. And it was slowly filling with urine.

That was really not cool at 8:15 in the morning. Not. Cool.

Mona Robinson, is that you?

Mon, 18 Jul 2011 10:58:50 -0400

My favorite 80s sitcom sighting of the week: the woman who played Mona on “Who’s the Boss?” turned up on True Blood last night playing grandma Bellfleur. I am trying to focus on Mona because apparently “Vamper” Bill was having carnal relations with what turned out to be his great-great-great granddaughter (Vamper Bill was made a vamper during the Civil War). GROSS. But let’s check out Mona in her knit cap, shall we?

Lifetime Movie Rule #5

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 18:36:00 -0400

If someone mentions they are allergic to (bees, seafood, nuts, modern hairstyles) you know that’s how they’re gonna go in approximately 34-42 minutes.

Sometimes when I see the college kids on the metro, excited for...

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 14:01:00 -0400

Sometimes when I see the college kids on the metro, excited for their night out, I want to remind them that soon they’ll look like the rest of us commuters. “You think you look fashionable and lead an exciting life now? Just wait, you’ll be too tired to go out to drink anywhere because it might interfere with petting your cats before you fall asleep on the couch surrounded by crumbs from your single-lady Swanson’s chicken pot pie.”

Smell like pumpkin pie and you might fall in love? Sweet.

Thu, 14 Jul 2011 12:24:00 -0400

Smell like pumpkin pie and you might fall in love? Sweet.:

I’ve heard this before, but I’m definitely on board with hearing it again. Yes, I know, no scent is going to make a man fall for you but I’m super happy to hear that the scent of pumpkin pie might be favorable for the men folk. I’m happy to say that I love buying “harvest” scents so next time I try to seduce anyone (stop, stifle your laughter please) I’m going full-throttle. I’m popping a Mrs. Smith’s pie in the oven, lighting up my sexiest Yankee Candles, and sprinkling some cloves in my hurr.

Trying not to judge here...

Thu, 14 Jul 2011 10:36:00 -0400

Trying not to judge here...:

Look, with obvious exceptions like illegal activities, what you do in your own home is your business. If I knew every single thing my neighbors were doing, I’d probably spend the rest of my life holed up in my apartment on the floor rocking to music from the Pajama jeans infomercial. Because I’m sure there is some freaky stuff going on (legal freaky stuff) that I would seriously judge. I’d like to think I’m open-minded about what other people are doing but personally I can be kind of a square.

But. This guy. He’s seriously messed up. Forget the fact he is an exotic animal owner being investigated for various infractions not discussed in the article above. HE CHOKED TO DEATH ON A SEX TOY. That’s it. I’m out.