Lay off me I'm starving

I really need to clean out my fridge

there’s so much going on in there, it’s a science experiment

e.g. apple sauce spoils from the inside out

as in, giant bullseye of something weird in the middle growing larger

I am really fussy today, and it seems that even a cheesy Lifetime movie can’t pull me out of my funk. I am missing a family event and tomorrow is going to be super hectic.

I am usually good with amusing myself, so I don’t need someone around constantly, but today I really could use a hug (!! I hate hugs) or something. Just don’t tell anyone.

I was sitting on the metro this morning when a woman decided it was time to file her nails beside me.  I am not good at the side-eye and I’m incredibly passive, so I just sat there stewing. I thought of where her fingers had been and how, right now, I was breathing in her fingernail dust and there was nothing I could do about it save get up and move.  

I’ve seen nail-cutting, nail polishing, hair brushing, make-up applying, hairspray spraying, dry toothbrush brushing, etc. Do. Not. Want.

“You reduce your expectations and resign yourself to accept what comes. It’s not because you’re pessimistic. It’s because you love the feeling of being pleasantly surprised by life.”

I think it’s more like this:

“You reduce your expectations based on past experience. It is not because you’re pessimistic, but because you are pragmatic. It is also because you love the feeling of being right.”

:)

I’m so happy it is Friday. I don’t even care if I might need an oxygen tank and a gallon of water to make it to the metro in this weather or that my social calendar is about as interesting as that of a 90 year old, minus the BINGO, it is Friday.

Also today: excellent coverage of the butt slasher of Fairfax Mall in VA by the DC news stations. Not surprisingly, he’s actually referred to in the media as the butt slasher. But then again, why wouldn’t he? What else would you call him? The tushy terrorist? You can’t call him Ass Slasher or joke about how he’s after a piece of ass or whatnot. It ain’t right.

Anyway, I don’t know how many conversations I’ve had about this guy that’s terrorizing the asses of unsuspecting shoppers in Forever 21s and Marshall’s all over Fairfax. It takes me back to the halcyon days of the astronaut diaper lady (she’s out of the Navy now, apparently). Really, what more could you ask for on a Friday?

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine sense
To know what to say
Mind is a razorblade

To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough for me, no

One night of magic rush
The start - a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief
Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough for me, no
To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough for me, oh

And you, you knew the hand of a devil
And you kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats in one night

To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough for me, no
To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough for me, oh

- The Knife

(Can’t get this out of my head! The other version is good, too.)

When you were young
You were the king of carrot flowers
And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees
In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy’s shoulder
And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor
As we would lay and learn what each other’s bodies were for

And this is the room
One afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above you how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go

And your mom would drink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die
Each one a little more than he could dare to try

About my tattoo being on my back: “It won’t show up in your wedding dress.”

About needing a shot for whooping cough: “It will last 10 years, so when you have children…”

About whether I was single: “You need someone to put a ring on it.”

My top 3 responses, if I was not a nice person:

“Lady please, what makes you think I would wear a dress that didn’t show off my tramp stamp?”

“Wait, do you have a shot that lets me give whooping cough to children?”

“And not use a coaster on my coffee table?”